May 19th, 1536: A Tribute to Anne Boleyn

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I know I’m not supposed to be blogging during my official leave of absence, but as many of you know, today is May 19th, the anniversary of Anne Boleyn’s execution. And I couldn’t pass up this occasion to pay tribute to someone I deeply admire and respect.

All the ladies had stunning hair thanks to Andrea and Jenna!

All the ladies had stunning hair thanks to Andrea and Jenna!

In November 2012, several of my friends and I got together and shot a short film regarding the extraordinary life of Anne Boleyn. The final result was approximately 20 minutes, depicting her life from her time with Margaret of Austria to her execution in 1536. Our budget was literally nothing. My camera is nothing special, and neither is the editing program I used. Everything we used in the film we previously owned or made. The costumes, the set, the weapons (we had swords, axes, arrows, bows…ninja stars…they didn’t make it into the film). Everyone chipped in and contributed (we had some amazing hair stylists and seamstresses), and I think it’s safe to say we all had a blast, and everyone, especially the star of our film, learned a great deal about Anne and what it was like during her final days.

The following clip is short and just a peek at what we accomplished that day.

The beautiful Anne Boleyn, played by the equally beautiful and talented Kenzie.

The beautiful Anne Boleyn, played by the equally beautiful and talented Kenzie.

There are so many things I didn’t include in this 90 seconds — George Boleyn’s execution, Anne’s time with Mary, Queen of France, the birth of Elizabeth. Each person involved in this project is so talented and ridiculously cooperative, enthusiastic, and helpful. I was such a bossy cow of a director it’s a wonder they didn’t kill me before the day was out — and most of them want to make another film this year!

I’ve been pestering Kenzie for years, saying that she shares a startling resemblance to Anne. When I asked her if she would like to play Anne in a film, she sort of laughed and sighed and said, “Do I really have a choice?” She was remarkable; she did everything I threw at her and then some. She brought Anne Boleyn to life, and I personally think she did a marvelous job.

So here it is. In memory of Anne Boleyn, Queen of England. May 19th, 1536.

Thanks to Kenzie, Greg, Maggie, Andrea, Sam, Devin, Zozie, Jenna, Emily, Melinda, Tim, and Joan for their cooperation, assistance, talent, and patience. I love you all!

For last year’s tribute to Anne Boleyn, click here.

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Snow White Show Down! (Day Two and Results)

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The final of the Snow White Show Down, brought to you by Fairy tale Studios, sponsored by Mirrored Apples Inc. in partnership with Seven Short Men Ltd. Image property of Disney.

 Glinda Silver-McIntosh: Welcome back, folks, to the second day of competition in our Snow White Shown Down, kindly sponsored by Mirrored Apples Inc. in partnership with Seven Short Men Ltd. If you missed yesterday’s events, make sure you view it at the link at the bottom of your screen. I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh.

Harpy Short: And I’m Harpy Short, coming to you live from Orchard Park. The Annual Pumpkin Carriage Relay has only just ended, and we’re waiting for the last pumpkin to clear out before we begin our Snow Show.

Glinda: It was a magnificent race this year, Harp. The winners were Granny and Red Riding Hood, followed by two of the Three Little Pigs and Cinderella and Prince Charming themselves, sponsors of the race.

Harpy: We’re sorry to report that Peter Pan has been air-lifted to hospital after his pumpkin crashed with Bo Peep’s, but has escaped life-threatening injuries.

Glinda: Glad to hear it, Harp. There heads off the last pumpkin straggler, and the casts and crews of our four Snow White films and TV series are entering the stadium now. Good heavens, Harp! What happened to the evil queens? They’re in tatters!

Harpy: Apparently they didn’t agree on who was the most evil, and when Queen Gwendolyn of ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ accused Queen Ravenna of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ of cheating at cards…well, you can see them. Crowns askew, noses bloody. Sources tell us that Lady Claudia had to turn herself back into a human this morning, after Queen Regina of ‘Once Upon A Time’ turned her into a toad.

Glinda: Fortunately there are no rules against a good a old fashioned bar brawl, so no one will be disqualified for their immature behavior. And getting started here now, a recap of yesterday’s events with current placings:

  1. ABC’s ‘Once Upon Time’ – 47.5 points
  2. 1997’s ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror’ – 44.5 points
  3. 2012’s ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ – 42 points
  4. 2012’s ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ – 33.5 points

Harpy: ‘Grimm’s’ has a lot of ground to make up today, Glinda, with the last four categories. We have Overall Quality, Most Evil Stepmother, Most Charming Prince Charming, and Best Snow White (with points going towards bad-assery and kindness.)

Glinda: It looks like the judges are ready. Our panel consists of assorted princesses, princes, evil queens, animate objects, and sidekicks. All are volunteers found through the Red Hood Volunteer Society.

Harpy: And here we go, Glinda. The first event of today is Overall Quality. This is a broad category, and we’ll try to be as quick as possible analyzing it while the judges work out their scores.

Glinda: OUAT in a nutshell: great animation for a TV show, some poor acting on Prince Charming’s part, costumes are borderline-overkill but spectacular to behold, and I simply love Snow White!

Harpy: It’s not quite dark enough in my opinion, but we’ll discuss more in our other categories. The judges have given it an 18/20.

Snow White: A Tale of Terror. Property of Polygram Filmed Entertainment.

Glinda: In ‘Tale of Terror,’ I’ll give it a thumbs-up for Snow White, that fabulous mirror, a stunningly attractive romantic interest, and mentally unstable Lady Claudia, but costumes were a bit gaudy. Also an 18/20 for ‘Tale of Terror.’

Harpy: ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ confused me a bit, Glinda. Snow White is held captive for, what, ten years, and unless she’s been doing laps and push-ups in her cell she would be entirely unable to trek miles through dangerous forest, and then lead an entire army to war. You can’t learn to handle a sword overnight, which she apparently did, and her prince was a little frightening.

Glinda: But exceptionally handsome.

Harpy: Yes, Glinda. It’s a 17/20 for ‘The Huntsman.’ Now, for ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ we have a couple problems. One, the costumes aimed for more of a Georgian style, rather than the traditional medieval or early modern. Interesting, but quaint, especially for the prince. Some of the animation was truly horrendous, and the acting a bit stiff, but it had some great scenes and moments.

Glinda: The judges are being lenient with this one, Harp, giving ‘Grimm’s’ a generous 16/20. I wouldn’t have given them that much.

Harpy: We aren’t the judges, Glinda, only the meagre commentators.

Glinda: One day… Moving on to our next category. THE MOST EVIL STEPMOTHER. MUHUHAHAHAA.

Harpy: Er, are you okay, Glinda?

Glinda: Of course. Why shouldn’t I be?

Harpy: Nevermind. Now Queen Regina of ABC’s OUAT is evil. Down right, in-your-face, bluntly evil. She makes no excuses for it. Controlling everyone around her to do her bidding, stealing children from their parents and vice versa, ruining true love because she lost hers… I would not want to come across her in a dark ally.

Glinda: But she has no — or very little — subtlety. She uses the fear she invokes to control others, but has few real human moments. I think she’s a drama queen. And strutting around in black leather? Really, Regina? It’s overkill in the literal sense that she’s slaughtering dozens of animals to full her shiny, skin-tight wardrobe. She dresses in the most stereotypical sexy-evil way possibly. The judges have given Queen Regina 23/25.

Harpy: Now, Lady Claudia of ‘Tale of Terror’ is a gem of evil queens. She has human qualities and instead of starting the film being ‘evil’ she is instead just a stepmother Snow wished she didn’t have. It’s only nine years into the marriage that Claudia begins showing her true colours — and even these are influenced by her vain need to be beautiful and is egged on by her own reflection (which may or may not be her own depiction of her mother.) Wardrobe department-wise, she looked like every Philippa Gregory novel cover I’ve ever seen.

Glinda: And she gets a well deserving 25/25! This could be ‘Tale of Terror’s chance to take the lead!

Harpy: What do you think of Queen Ravenna, of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’?

Glinda: Easily the most beautiful of our contending queens, blonde and golden

Queen Ravenna. Property of Roth Films and Universal Pictures.

instead of dark, but as with Regina, overkill on the beauty routine. Eye shadow is too heavy and milk baths are sooo out of season. She’s quite evil, with some reason and with a back story, but is mostly portrayed as a woman prone to temper tantrums. Oh, yeah, and she sucks purity out of virgins to retain her beauty, otherwise she’ll shrivel up into an old woman.

Harpy: 20/25 for our temper-torn Queen Ravenna. She won’t be pleased with that. And look, she’s throwing rotting apples at the judges.

Glinda: That poor woman. Needs to join my group therapy.

Harpy: You go to group therapy?

Glinda: It’s called ‘The Princes that Never Came.’ Not really intended for men, but you can come to our next session if you like.

Harpy: Er, no thanks. Now, onto Queen Gwendolyn of ‘Grimm’s Snow White.’ Unlike the others, we have no explanation of why she’s evil, only that she loves power. I’m perplexed that she waited nearly a decade to kill her husband, though.

Glinda: God, and her dresses. Every time I look at her I think of tea bags. Dresses. Made of tea bags. Some needs to fire her stylist.

Harpy: Also 20/25 for Queen Gwendolyn. I guess her tea bags weighed her down. 

Glinda: And now my favourite event of the day: Most Charming Prince Charming. It’s gonna get hotter in here, Harp, better open a window.

Harpy: Well, yes, alright. We have Prince James/David Nolan of OUAT first… And I’ll let Glinda take it from here.

Glinda: I’ll start off by saying that James (nicknamed Charming by Snow) is a cutie pie. Plus for dragon-slaying, love-seeking, but loss for cheating on his wife — even if she isn’t his true love and Snow/Mary Margaret is. Why are you being so un-charming, Charming?

Harpy: The judges agree with you, Glinda, because they’e only given Prince James 20/25.

Glinda: If they gave our cutie Charming a 20, I can’t wait to see what they’re giving Peter of ‘Tale of Terror’! One, his hair is so fake I want to tear it from his head and dust my bookshelf with it. Long and red and ugh. Two, he was weak, succeptible to Lady Claudia’s demented charms. Please, take him out of my sight!

Harpy: You’ll be pleased to know that poor Peter has received a 15/25, and that’s mainly for manners. Having all these princes in one spot has made everyone rather edgy. Kingdoms are at stake, Glinda.

Glinda: And for Prince William of ‘The Huntsman.’ He is, in one word, desirable. Caring, mysterious, courageous, human, a victim, a hero… It’s a shame he wasn’t Snow’s true love, but I hear they’re making a sequel so we’ll see how it turns out after all!

Harpy: A solid 24/25 for Prince William. I’m guessing the ladies on the panel had a fair hand in that.

Prince Alexander. Property of Global Asylum.

Glinda: Now, Harp, if ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ has a place to make up ground, it’s here. I might be a biased, but I think Prince Alexander might beat out over William. A traditional Romeo he is, but handy with a sword, clever, if but too trusting, and damn attractive.

Harpy: And he’s the only prince to win full points! 25/25 for Prince Alexander of ‘Grimm’s Snow White’!

Glinda: As we head into our last and deciding event of the day, our placings are:

  1. OUAT – 108.5
  2. The Huntsman – 103
  3. Tale of Terror – 102.5
  4. Grimm’s – 94.5

Harpy: It looks like UOAT is gonna take it, Glinda, but ‘The Huntsman’ has squeaked by ‘Tale of Terror’ after the prince round. It could be anyone’s game, but my gold is on UOAT. 

Glinda: The Snow Whites are looking anxious, pale as snow they are. Haha, wait: they’re always pale as snow.

Harpy: And here is Snow/Mary Margaret of UOAT. I love the dynamic

Snow White. Property of ABC.

personality the two versions of Snow have. Snow White is the survivor, the bad ass, the rescuer, the war-wager, whereas her modern day counterpart Mary Margaret is the innocent, sweet, not-get-her-feet-wet kind of girl. As Season 1 progresses we begin to see the two characters merge into one. And she’s the most beautiful Snow of today’s contenders, though Lilli of ‘Tale of Terror’ is stunning as well. We have a 24/25 for Snow/Mary Margaret.

Glinda: Lilli Hoffman (Snow White) is the traditional Disney princess. Kind, sweet, innocent, frightened, but with a good heart and will to survive. Full of love. Slightly rebellious. Great hair. Extraordinarily beautiful. Also a 24/25 for Lilli.

Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ Snow…gosh, girl. SMILE. You were trapped for ten years and now you’re free! Sure, your stepmother is trying to kill you, and your guardian is a drunken widow, but live a little. Maybe she’s just stunned after all those years in the dungeon, Glinda. Though I admit she turns out to be a surprising warrior, so points for that. We have a 21/25.

Glinda: Up next is Snow of ‘Grimm’s.’ Blonde, dressed like Alice in Wonderland, and with hooker-reminiscent lipstick, she’s an odd one. Kind, of course, but unsure of herself, and she puts the entire race of elves in danger. Also aiming for a man about ten years her senior. I think Prince Alexander is more suiting to someone my age…

Harpy: A moderate score of 20/25 for Snow of ‘Grimm’s’.

Glinda: And it’s official! Once Upon A Time wins the Snow White Show Down!The final scores are:

  1. Once Upon A Time – 132.5
  2. Snow White: A Tale of Terror – 126.5
  3. Snow White and the Huntsman – 124
  4. Grimm’s Snow White – 114.5

Harpy: Congratulations to the cast and crew of OUAT, and make sure to tune it for Season 2’s premier on September 30, 2012.

Glinda: For Fairy Tale Studios, I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh (who wants to wrap things up so she can chat up Prince Alexander).

Harpy: And I’m Harpy Short. Stay tuned for your local newscast, and on behalf of my colleagues on both sides of the fantasy spectrum, good night, and watch those apples.

A Snow White Show Down! (Day One)

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Glinda Silver-McIntosh: Welcome! My name is Glinda Silver-McIntosh and it’s my pleasure to announce the start to our Snow White Show Down, kindly sponsored by Mirrored Apples Inc. in partnership with Seven Short Men Ltd.

Harpy Short: And I’m Harpy Short, and we’ll be covering everything as we head into an evening full of poison and romance!

Glinda: We all know the story: the princess, the evil stepmother, the prince, the apple, the mirror, and the dwarves. It is a beloved and iconic story, one that we’ve all grown up with and one that the majority of us probably love.

Snow White: A Tale of Terror. Property of Polygram Filmed Entertainment.

Harpy: Ah, yes, Glinda. ‘Tis Snow White.

Glinda: Now, over the past fifteen or twenty years the twisted tale of Snow has appeared on the big and small screens several times. Beginning with a broadway show in 1912, and then the famous Disney movie of 1937, all the way to 2012 with ‘Mirror, Mirror,’ ‘Snow White and the Huntsman,’ and ‘Grimm’s Snow White.’

Harpy: And that’s why we’re here today, folks. Four movies/television series will face off in the first ever Snow White Show Down! There will be eight categories that the cast and crew will be competing in throughout the next few days. We have:

  • Best Snow White (with points counting towards bad-assery and kindness)
  • Most Charming Prince Charming
  • Most Evil Stepmother
  • Overall Quality
  • Most Magical Mirror
  • Adherence to the original story
  • Strangest Strange Things
  • Aaaand, the Thirdiest Third Person in a Love Triangle (where applicable)

    Once Upon A Time. Property of ABC.

Glinda: We’re only completing the last four categories today, and even so we have a lot to do here, Harp. I’ll introduce the cast and crews right away. Here we have 1997’s ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror,’ starring Sigourney Weaver, Sam Neill, David Conrad, and Monica Keena. It received mixed reviews and has an average IMDb rating of 6.1. Rated R.

Harpy: Unfortunately 2001’s ‘Snow White: the Fairest of Them All’ could not attend today’s tournament; their IMDb rating was a mere 5.7. This starred Miranda Richardson and Warwick Davis.

Glinda: A few others were also unable to make it. Thank goodness, or we’d be here all day! The missing Snow Whites are HBO’s ‘Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child’ and 2007’s ‘Sydney White.’ We regret to announce that 2012’s ‘Mirror, Mirror’ was also unable to attend.

Harpy: But it’s not all doom and gloom. Here come the dimensionally confused cast of 2011 ABC show ‘Once Upon A Time.’ The show takes Snow White and her gang as main characters in a modern world as a result of the Evil Queen cursing them all from their fantasy world. This stars Ginnifer Goodwin, Josh Dallas, Jennifer Morrison, and Lana Parilla. It has a bursting IMDb rating of 8.3. Season 2 premiers this fall.

Glinda: And I’m very excited for it, Harp! Ah, but here comes 2012’s ‘Snow White and the Huntsman,’ a slightly darker and grittier take on the tale. It stars Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, and Sam Claflin. IMDb rating of 6.5.

Snow White and the Huntsman. Property of Roth Films and Universal Pictures.

Harpy: It’ll be interesting to see how they do today. And last, but certainly not least, here comes 2012’s direct-to-video ‘Grimm’s Snow White!’ Wow, the crowd loves these guys, or at least Prince Alexander. Starring Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, and Jane March, it received a — is that right, Glinda? — a teensy tiny 3.0 IMDb rating!

Glinda: We’ll have to see how they hold up in the competition, Harp. And they’re starting off with our categories as we speak! Up first we have the Thirdiest Third Person in a Love Triangle, with entries from ‘Once Upon A Time,’ ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ and ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror.’

Harpy: Prince Charming’s modern counterpart, David Nolan, wakes up from a coma to find out that he’s married — and not Snow White counterpart Mary Margaret. The true loves struggle to be together around David’s wife Katherine, and for a while I was seriously doubting David’s love of Mary Margaret. What’s the score? A 9/10 for the David/M.M./Katherine love triangle. Ooh, that’s gonna be a hard one to beat, Glinda.

Glinda: And for our 1997 friends, Snow (called Lilli) finds herself betrothed to Peter, a dashing (though horribly wigged) man she’s admired for years. Now lost in the forest and living with rough miners (that are men, not dwarves), she finds solace and meaning in Will, who is mysteriously adorable. Unfortunately for Peter he finds himself out of the picture pretty quickly and we’re left to assume Lilli and Will are living happily every after. Aww, look, they’re holding hands! 

Harpy: It’s a 7/10 for ‘A Tale of Terror’!

Glinda: In ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ Snow White is struggling between her handsome childhood friend William, who has come to rescue her, and the surly huntsman who changed his mind about killing her and decides to teach her how to use a sword. In the film, the Huntsman is the true love and wakes Snow from her spell, but we’re lead to believe William is the one who gets the girl — because Snow doesn’t know who woke her! Personally I’m pro-Prince in this case; Mr. Huntsman just moans about her looking like his dead wife, which is sweet, I guess. William is kind of a royal bad boy, and so handsome.

Harpy: Can we get a fan in here? Glinda’s looking a little swoon-ish.

Glinda: No, no, I’m fine. And what did they get? It’s an 8/10 for the Snow/William/Huntsman love triangle.

Grimm’s Snow White. Property of Global Asylum.

Harpy: And category one is over! ‘Once Upon A Time’ has the lead with 9 points, followed by ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ with 8 points, and ‘A Tale of Terror’ with 7. ‘Grimm’s’ did not compete in this category, and so will receive the same amount of points as last place: 7.

Glinda: Our next category is Strangest Strange Things, with entries from all four casts.

Harpy: OUAT should get a pretty high mark with their dual-dimension problem. It’s not everyday you see Charming buying his wife coffee at the local diner (especially if the wife isn’t Snow White!). We have a 10.5/12.

Glinda: ‘Tale of Terror’ wasn’t too strange, except for the fact that Lady Claudia (the evil queen) managed to bring a full on resurrection of her stillborn son. That was a bit freaky. Oh, and it’s a 9.5/12 for 1997!

Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ was pretty on course with traditional magic, with the homage to Disney’s love of animals through a sanctuary of sorts. Pretty, but it did not assist plot movement at all, and left the viewer wondering about it. The judges have given it a 7.5/12 for strangeness. Though that part with the director and Stewart was quite strange, I have to say…

Glinda: ‘Grimm’s,’ with its addition of elves, giant lizards, and dogs that looked half-werewolf half-vulture, should get at least a 9. Not to mention the fact that Snow was blonde (a brave act) and looked a bit like a clown in the make-up department. She didn’t need that much lipstick, guys! Oh, they’ve been given a 9/12.

Harpy: OUAT is still in the early lead with 19.5 points, followed by ‘A Tale of Terror’ with 16.5, ‘Grimm’s’ with 16, and ‘The Huntsman’ with 15.5.

Glinda: Two more categories to go, folks, and then we’ll leave you. Remember that we’ll be back tomorrow for the rest of the categories and the unveiling of the overall best Snow White movie or TV series. Don’t miss it!

Harpy: Our next category is adherence to original story. Now, Glinda, this one is difficult to pin down, because there is more than one original Snow White story. The most popular, and the one the judges will likely go with, is the one collected by the Grimm brothers in 1812.

Glinda: Harp, if OUAT does not get full points for this, I will be thoroughly shocked. They didn’t do what the films did. Films often strive for difference from the original story, whereas these guys stuck.to.it.like.glue.

Harpy: Glinda, are you forgetting about Snow’s bravery? She rescues her Prince Charming, takes the apple knowing it will kill her — but does so to save her true love, and is pretty handy in a fight.

Glinda: You’re right, Harp. But they should get nearly full points. Ah, and it’s a 14/15 for OUAT in Adherence to Original Story!

Harpy: ‘Tale of Terror’ is a hard one. The dwarves were replaced with outlaws/criminals who spend their days digging for gold (not diamonds), yet Snow retains that innocent youthful quality as in the original story. It’s a tough call. They also keep the tradition of the apple flying out of her mouth as opposed to the prince waking her up with a kiss. And they get a 13/15!

Glinda: ‘The Huntsman’…I dunno, Harp. I’m torn with this one. Let’s see what the judges think.

Harpy: I don’t believe it, Glinda! They’ve been awarded 13/15 points! How is that possible?

Glinda: I guess they appreciated the homage to Disney — you know, the trees having faces and hands, and the connection with the birds and animals. But I agree with you, Harp; the Queen sucked the beauty out of virgins to maintain her own, something the traditional story never had.

Harpy: Moving on. ‘Grimm’s’ should get a fairly moderate mark on this one. The addition of elves and giant lizards should knock off a few points. It’s a 10.5/15 for ‘Grimm’s’!

Glinda: And now we’re on the last category of the day, Harp. Most Magical Mirror. I’m quite excited about this one, just because the variety of mirrors in these films/TV series are so different. 

Harpy: First up is OUAT. The mirror is actually a genie who used his own wish to be with the Queen forever. This landed him the awful job of pep-talking and spying for her — from a mirror. Needless to say he regrets it. It’s a 14/15 for OUAT. They must have gotten extra points for originality, yet staying traditional.

Glinda: Now, the ‘Tale of Terror’ mirror is my favourite out of today’s contenders. Instead of a male counterpart or vague shadowy face/figure, Lady Claudia’s mirror acts as almost a separate personality of the same person. Sort of like Smeagol and Gollum. Claudia is completely enraptured by her image, which controls her, drives her mad, and ultimately destroys her. I love it! And they get full points for originality!

Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ mirror was interesting. A molten gold-cloaked figure slithered completely out of the mirror to stand before Queen Ravenna. A little inconvenient time-wise, but neat nonetheless. Ah, and they get 13.5/15.

Glinda: I’m sad to say that I hated the mirror in ‘Grimm’s.’ It was a prime example of awful animation, though they tried recreating the mirror from Disney’s 1937 version. Personally I preferred the Disney version of this one. And they get a measley 7/15.

Harpy: The current placings stand at ‘Once Upon A Time’ with 47.5 points, ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror’ with 44.5, ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ with 42 points, and ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ is trailing the pack with only 33.5 points.

Glinda: They have a chance to catch up, though, Harp. Tomorrow they compete for Overall Quality, Most Evil Stepmother, Most Charming Prince Charming, and Best Snow White (with points going towards bad-assery and kindness). And that’s all for today, folks. Come back tomorrow for the unveiling of the best overall Snow White film/TV series! I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh.

Harpy: And I’m Harpy Short. And on behalf of Fairy Tale Studios, good night, and be careful whose apples you eat. 

Snow White Show Down, only on Fairy Tale Prime Time following the Annual Pumpkin Carriage Relay. Image property of Disney.

 

We love hearing our viewers’ thoughts! Do you have a favourite Snow White movie?  Who will win the Snow White Show Down? Will the Snows be able to stand each other, or will it all end in a free for all blizzard? Call our tip line, toll-free, at 1-800-123-4567. Or, drop a comment below.

What do Henry Cavill and Liam Neeson have in common?

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Whilst watching television, a preview for the movie Battleship came on. The lovely and talented Liam Neeson is in this film, and as his face flashed across the screen, my brain went into movie power mode. I ended up with this.

Liam Neeson starred in Star Wars with Warwick Davis.

Warwick Davis starred in the Harry Potter franchise alongside Alan Rickman.

Alan Rickman worked with Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Mary Elizabeth Mastrontonio was in Abyss, directed by James Cameron.

James Cameron also directed Avatar, starring Zoe Saldana.

Zoe Saldana acted in the recent Star Trek movie with Chris Hemsworth.

Chris’ brother Liam worked in The Hunger Games with Donald Sutherland.

Donald Sutherland worked with Rufus Sewell in the TV mini-series Pillars of the Earth.

Rufus Sewell starred with Henry Cavill in Tristan and Isolde.

Henry Cavill and Ben Barnes played minor roles in Stardust.

And Ben Barnes starred with Liam Neeson in the Chronicles of Narnia

Taa-da! The slightly nerdier version of ‘the seven degrees of separation.’

May your weekend be filled with movies of all qualities and genres. What’s your favourite movie, actor, or actor collaboration? I really can’t decide, but one of my favourite films is “A Fairy Tale: A True Story” based on the Cottingley fairies, WHICH I KNOW I PROMISED A POST ON, but really don’t have the time. I’m too busy re-devouring Melissa Marr’s Wicked Lovely series and heading to a benefit concert with my sister and my best friend. GIRL’S NIGHT. Anyway, treat yourself to some eye candy (i.e., anything Henry Cavill’s in. I’d post a picture, but it might be awkward if your partner walked in on you licking your computer screen.)

Moustache Jokes: When Is It Too Much?

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It’s been awhile since my last review, but here I go again! I’ll keep it short this time.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Seuss’s ‘The Lorax.’ Who doesn’t love Seuss? Who doesn’t love small, orange fuzzy things with giant yellow moustaches?

It was cute, though it could have done with a few less musical numbers and a hair less moustache jokes — pun intended. I was a bit confused about who the main character was — the Lorax, Ted, or the Once-ler? — but I don’t feel it took away from the message.

Animation was amazing. I wanted to pet the fuzzy bears and Truffula trees and tweak the Lorax’s giant ‘stache. Danny DeVito as the Lorax was great; he brought the comedy, the caring, and the defiance together and wrapped it up in an orange, fuzzy suit. Zac Efron, Betty White (whom I love dearly), Ed Helms and Taylor Swift finish up the heroes of the story.

It was more geared to a younger crowd than I expected, but I still enjoyed it. The kids around me were certainly enjoying it, though I think they were getting the Lorax and the Once-ler mixed up. So was I at first. Actually, in the beginning I thought the Once-ler was the Cat in the Hat. (You only see his silhouette, okay? And he was wearing a big top hat.)

I do wish they included some more of Seuss’s loveable rhyming. What’s a Seuss movie without a plethora of rhyming creatures? I expected the Lorax to talk in rhyme, but no such luck. Just a “fuzzy peanut” with a moustache.

Thneedville was portrayed with startling parallels to the future we’re heading in. It’s appropriate they decided to release the movie in 2012 — when the world is supposed to end. Again. I feel the kids around me really got the message; I did. I was tapping my feet along with the last musical note of the Thneedville residents as they fought for the very last Truffula seed to grow.

It was funny, cute, inspiring, hopefully will begin a giant-moustache trend and make small children angry regarding clear cutting.

Okay. The answer to the title of this post? *This* is when moustache jokes are too much.

~~~

Unless some like you cares a whole awful lot,

It’s not going to get better.

It’s not.

~Dr.Seuss

Anne Boleyn at the Academy Awards

Standard

“Ready?” Henry asked his wife.

“Of course,” said Anne. She took his large, warm hand and the pair stepped out of their limo onto the red carpet. A thousand bulbs flashed and popped and the crowd screamed hysterically at the beautiful couple. Anne, stunning in a black lacy McQueen number shot through with hints of emerald, owned the audience with her captivating black eyes and flirty grin. Henry was dashing in a dark blue tux, a bit bear-like, but definitely handsome. They nearly caused a riot with their beauty.

Nat Dormer, who played Anne Boleyn in 'The Tudors,' is a perfect and enchanting Anne.

“Oh, Anne. You look stunning!” Angelina had towed Brad over by the hand and now brushed kisses on Anne and Henry’s cheeks. “How are you?”

Anne twisted her mouth a bit ruefully. “I’m fine. How are you two?”

“Exhausted between all these award shows and running the kids around.” Angie put her hand on Anne’s forearm and laughed a bit. “Being a mother is tiring. And, speaking of which, how’s little Elizabeth?”

“She’s great. A miniature genius, she is,” Henry said abruptly.

“But let’s not talk about our kids anymore! We’re at the Oscars!” Brad grinned easily. He pulled his skinny wife closer to him. “Again.”

Henry also wrapped his arm around his thin wife. “Again,” he agreed, like it was a regular Sunday night.

“Oh, there’s George! Let’s go say hi.” Angelina tugged her husband away again, this time beelining for Clooney and whatever new girlfriend he came up with this year.

Anne, though a winning smile remained on her face, whispered, “If they say one more thing about their…their bus-load of children –”

“I’ll send them to the Tower,” Henry finished. Anne rolled her eyes.

“Come on,” she said. “The show is about to start, and we still haven’t spoken to any reporters. We need some positive press after that TMZ story about you and old Catherine.” Anne began walking elegantly towards Ben Mulroney and stepped on Henry’s foot when he didn’t move. He was staring at a suspicious line of four women with nametags. Jane Seymour, Anne Cleves, Kitty Howard, Kate Parr. His brow creased. Did he know those women?

“Of course not, Henry dear. I’m your wife. I’m the only one you’ve ever taken to the Oscars.” Anne plucked a remote from her clutch, hit a button, and watched with satisfaction as the four women vanished. “Now, I think Benny from Canada wants to talk with us.”

~~~

Well, Anne was always a bit of a show-stealer, and I couldn’t resist. But can’t you imagine Henry and Anne, desperate for a son, meeting with Brangelina, who have a ‘bus-load’ of kids? Awkward. Can’t you imagine seductive, elegant Anne perched on the arm of the imposing and majestic pre-obese Henry Tudor surrounded by celebs and flashing cameras? I can. And can’t you imagine Anne decked out in McQueen?? BECAUSE I CAN!

It’s always Anne in the movies. I’ve never seen a movie starring Cat of Aragon, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Kitty Howard, or Kate Parr as the lead. Yes, C.o.A and J.S. usually play supporting roles, but not the others. Shows like The Six Wives of Henry VIII and The Tudors do try to make each wife shine, but let’s face it. In The Tudors, Anne starred in 21 episodes, Cat of Aragon in 18, Jane in 10, Anne of Cleves in 5, Kitty Howard in 6, and Kate Parr in 5.

One of my personal favourite movies, Anne of the Thousand Days (1969), turned out to be a good friend of Oscar despite many negative reviews. It won an Academy Award for Best Costume Design and was also nominated for Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Leading Actor (Richard Burton), Best Leading Actress (Geneviève Bujold — a French Canadian!), Best Supporting Actor (Anthony Quayle), Best Art Direction-Set Decoration, Best Music, & Best Sound.

Happy 84th Oscar Night! Will you be watching? And will you be imagining sixteenth-century women walking the red carpet? ‘Cause I will be.

Also, Susan Bordo will be releasing her book on Anne Boleyn in pop culture, The Creation of Anne Boleyn, next year. I am very excited!