Glinda Silver-McIntosh: Welcome back, folks, to the second day of competition in our Snow White Shown Down, kindly sponsored by Mirrored Apples Inc. in partnership with Seven Short Men Ltd. If you missed yesterday’s events, make sure you view it at the link at the bottom of your screen. I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh.
Harpy Short: And I’m Harpy Short, coming to you live from Orchard Park. The Annual Pumpkin Carriage Relay has only just ended, and we’re waiting for the last pumpkin to clear out before we begin our Snow Show.
Glinda: It was a magnificent race this year, Harp. The winners were Granny and Red Riding Hood, followed by two of the Three Little Pigs and Cinderella and Prince Charming themselves, sponsors of the race.
Harpy: We’re sorry to report that Peter Pan has been air-lifted to hospital after his pumpkin crashed with Bo Peep’s, but has escaped life-threatening injuries.
Glinda: Glad to hear it, Harp. There heads off the last pumpkin straggler, and the casts and crews of our four Snow White films and TV series are entering the stadium now. Good heavens, Harp! What happened to the evil queens? They’re in tatters!
Harpy: Apparently they didn’t agree on who was the most evil, and when Queen Gwendolyn of ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ accused Queen Ravenna of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ of cheating at cards…well, you can see them. Crowns askew, noses bloody. Sources tell us that Lady Claudia had to turn herself back into a human this morning, after Queen Regina of ‘Once Upon A Time’ turned her into a toad.
Glinda: Fortunately there are no rules against a good a old fashioned bar brawl, so no one will be disqualified for their immature behavior. And getting started here now, a recap of yesterday’s events with current placings:
- ABC’s ‘Once Upon Time’ – 47.5 points
- 1997’s ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror’ – 44.5 points
- 2012’s ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ – 42 points
- 2012’s ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ – 33.5 points
Harpy: ‘Grimm’s’ has a lot of ground to make up today, Glinda, with the last four categories. We have Overall Quality, Most Evil Stepmother, Most Charming Prince Charming, and Best Snow White (with points going towards bad-assery and kindness.)
Glinda: It looks like the judges are ready. Our panel consists of assorted princesses, princes, evil queens, animate objects, and sidekicks. All are volunteers found through the Red Hood Volunteer Society.
Harpy: And here we go, Glinda. The first event of today is Overall Quality. This is a broad category, and we’ll try to be as quick as possible analyzing it while the judges work out their scores.
Glinda: OUAT in a nutshell: great animation for a TV show, some poor acting on Prince Charming’s part, costumes are borderline-overkill but spectacular to behold, and I simply love Snow White!
Harpy: It’s not quite dark enough in my opinion, but we’ll discuss more in our other categories. The judges have given it an 18/20.
Glinda: In ‘Tale of Terror,’ I’ll give it a thumbs-up for Snow White, that fabulous mirror, a stunningly attractive romantic interest, and mentally unstable Lady Claudia, but costumes were a bit gaudy. Also an 18/20 for ‘Tale of Terror.’
Harpy: ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ confused me a bit, Glinda. Snow White is held captive for, what, ten years, and unless she’s been doing laps and push-ups in her cell she would be entirely unable to trek miles through dangerous forest, and then lead an entire army to war. You can’t learn to handle a sword overnight, which she apparently did, and her prince was a little frightening.
Glinda: But exceptionally handsome.
Harpy: Yes, Glinda. It’s a 17/20 for ‘The Huntsman.’ Now, for ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ we have a couple problems. One, the costumes aimed for more of a Georgian style, rather than the traditional medieval or early modern. Interesting, but quaint, especially for the prince. Some of the animation was truly horrendous, and the acting a bit stiff, but it had some great scenes and moments.
Glinda: The judges are being lenient with this one, Harp, giving ‘Grimm’s’ a generous 16/20. I wouldn’t have given them that much.
Harpy: We aren’t the judges, Glinda, only the meagre commentators.
Glinda: One day… Moving on to our next category. THE MOST EVIL STEPMOTHER. MUHUHAHAHAA.
Harpy: Er, are you okay, Glinda?
Glinda: Of course. Why shouldn’t I be?
Harpy: Nevermind. Now Queen Regina of ABC’s OUAT is evil. Down right, in-your-face, bluntly evil. She makes no excuses for it. Controlling everyone around her to do her bidding, stealing children from their parents and vice versa, ruining true love because she lost hers… I would not want to come across her in a dark ally.
Glinda: But she has no — or very little — subtlety. She uses the fear she invokes to control others, but has few real human moments. I think she’s a drama queen. And strutting around in black leather? Really, Regina? It’s overkill in the literal sense that she’s slaughtering dozens of animals to full her shiny, skin-tight wardrobe. She dresses in the most stereotypical sexy-evil way possibly. The judges have given Queen Regina 23/25.
Harpy: Now, Lady Claudia of ‘Tale of Terror’ is a gem of evil queens. She has human qualities and instead of starting the film being ‘evil’ she is instead just a stepmother Snow wished she didn’t have. It’s only nine years into the marriage that Claudia begins showing her true colours — and even these are influenced by her vain need to be beautiful and is egged on by her own reflection (which may or may not be her own depiction of her mother.) Wardrobe department-wise, she looked like every Philippa Gregory novel cover I’ve ever seen.
Glinda: And she gets a well deserving 25/25! This could be ‘Tale of Terror’s chance to take the lead!
Harpy: What do you think of Queen Ravenna, of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’?
Glinda: Easily the most beautiful of our contending queens, blonde and golden
instead of dark, but as with Regina, overkill on the beauty routine. Eye shadow is too heavy and milk baths are sooo out of season. She’s quite evil, with some reason and with a back story, but is mostly portrayed as a woman prone to temper tantrums. Oh, yeah, and she sucks purity out of virgins to retain her beauty, otherwise she’ll shrivel up into an old woman.
Harpy: 20/25 for our temper-torn Queen Ravenna. She won’t be pleased with that. And look, she’s throwing rotting apples at the judges.
Glinda: That poor woman. Needs to join my group therapy.
Harpy: You go to group therapy?
Glinda: It’s called ‘The Princes that Never Came.’ Not really intended for men, but you can come to our next session if you like.
Harpy: Er, no thanks. Now, onto Queen Gwendolyn of ‘Grimm’s Snow White.’ Unlike the others, we have no explanation of why she’s evil, only that she loves power. I’m perplexed that she waited nearly a decade to kill her husband, though.
Glinda: God, and her dresses. Every time I look at her I think of tea bags. Dresses. Made of tea bags. Some needs to fire her stylist.
Harpy: Also 20/25 for Queen Gwendolyn. I guess her tea bags weighed her down.
Glinda: And now my favourite event of the day: Most Charming Prince Charming. It’s gonna get hotter in here, Harp, better open a window.
Harpy: Well, yes, alright. We have Prince James/David Nolan of OUAT first… And I’ll let Glinda take it from here.
Glinda: I’ll start off by saying that James (nicknamed Charming by Snow) is a cutie pie. Plus for dragon-slaying, love-seeking, but loss for cheating on his wife — even if she isn’t his true love and Snow/Mary Margaret is. Why are you being so un-charming, Charming?
Harpy: The judges agree with you, Glinda, because they’e only given Prince James 20/25.
Glinda: If they gave our cutie Charming a 20, I can’t wait to see what they’re giving Peter of ‘Tale of Terror’! One, his hair is so fake I want to tear it from his head and dust my bookshelf with it. Long and red and ugh. Two, he was weak, succeptible to Lady Claudia’s demented charms. Please, take him out of my sight!
Harpy: You’ll be pleased to know that poor Peter has received a 15/25, and that’s mainly for manners. Having all these princes in one spot has made everyone rather edgy. Kingdoms are at stake, Glinda.
Glinda: And for Prince William of ‘The Huntsman.’ He is, in one word, desirable. Caring, mysterious, courageous, human, a victim, a hero… It’s a shame he wasn’t Snow’s true love, but I hear they’re making a sequel so we’ll see how it turns out after all!
Harpy: A solid 24/25 for Prince William. I’m guessing the ladies on the panel had a fair hand in that.
Glinda: Now, Harp, if ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ has a place to make up ground, it’s here. I might be a biased, but I think Prince Alexander might beat out over William. A traditional Romeo he is, but handy with a sword, clever, if but too trusting, and damn attractive.
Harpy: And he’s the only prince to win full points! 25/25 for Prince Alexander of ‘Grimm’s Snow White’!
Glinda: As we head into our last and deciding event of the day, our placings are:
- OUAT – 108.5
- The Huntsman – 103
- Tale of Terror – 102.5
- Grimm’s – 94.5
Harpy: It looks like UOAT is gonna take it, Glinda, but ‘The Huntsman’ has squeaked by ‘Tale of Terror’ after the prince round. It could be anyone’s game, but my gold is on UOAT.
Glinda: The Snow Whites are looking anxious, pale as snow they are. Haha, wait: they’re always pale as snow.
Harpy: And here is Snow/Mary Margaret of UOAT. I love the dynamic
personality the two versions of Snow have. Snow White is the survivor, the bad ass, the rescuer, the war-wager, whereas her modern day counterpart Mary Margaret is the innocent, sweet, not-get-her-feet-wet kind of girl. As Season 1 progresses we begin to see the two characters merge into one. And she’s the most beautiful Snow of today’s contenders, though Lilli of ‘Tale of Terror’ is stunning as well. We have a 24/25 for Snow/Mary Margaret.
Glinda: Lilli Hoffman (Snow White) is the traditional Disney princess. Kind, sweet, innocent, frightened, but with a good heart and will to survive. Full of love. Slightly rebellious. Great hair. Extraordinarily beautiful. Also a 24/25 for Lilli.
Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ Snow…gosh, girl. SMILE. You were trapped for ten years and now you’re free! Sure, your stepmother is trying to kill you, and your guardian is a drunken widow, but live a little. Maybe she’s just stunned after all those years in the dungeon, Glinda. Though I admit she turns out to be a surprising warrior, so points for that. We have a 21/25.
Glinda: Up next is Snow of ‘Grimm’s.’ Blonde, dressed like Alice in Wonderland, and with hooker-reminiscent lipstick, she’s an odd one. Kind, of course, but unsure of herself, and she puts the entire race of elves in danger. Also aiming for a man about ten years her senior. I think Prince Alexander is more suiting to someone my age…
Harpy: A moderate score of 20/25 for Snow of ‘Grimm’s’.
Glinda: And it’s official! Once Upon A Time wins the Snow White Show Down!The final scores are:
- Once Upon A Time – 132.5
- Snow White: A Tale of Terror – 126.5
- Snow White and the Huntsman – 124
- Grimm’s Snow White – 114.5
Harpy: Congratulations to the cast and crew of OUAT, and make sure to tune it for Season 2’s premier on September 30, 2012.
Glinda: For Fairy Tale Studios, I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh (who wants to wrap things up so she can chat up Prince Alexander).
Harpy: And I’m Harpy Short. Stay tuned for your local newscast, and on behalf of my colleagues on both sides of the fantasy spectrum, good night, and watch those apples.