Glinda Silver-McIntosh: Welcome! My name is Glinda Silver-McIntosh and it’s my pleasure to announce the start to our Snow White Show Down, kindly sponsored by Mirrored Apples Inc. in partnership with Seven Short Men Ltd.
Harpy Short: And I’m Harpy Short, and we’ll be covering everything as we head into an evening full of poison and romance!
Glinda: We all know the story: the princess, the evil stepmother, the prince, the apple, the mirror, and the dwarves. It is a beloved and iconic story, one that we’ve all grown up with and one that the majority of us probably love.
Harpy: Ah, yes, Glinda. ‘Tis Snow White.
Glinda: Now, over the past fifteen or twenty years the twisted tale of Snow has appeared on the big and small screens several times. Beginning with a broadway show in 1912, and then the famous Disney movie of 1937, all the way to 2012 with ‘Mirror, Mirror,’ ‘Snow White and the Huntsman,’ and ‘Grimm’s Snow White.’
Harpy: And that’s why we’re here today, folks. Four movies/television series will face off in the first ever Snow White Show Down! There will be eight categories that the cast and crew will be competing in throughout the next few days. We have:
- Best Snow White (with points counting towards bad-assery and kindness)
- Most Charming Prince Charming
- Most Evil Stepmother
- Overall Quality
- Most Magical Mirror
- Adherence to the original story
- Strangest Strange Things
- Aaaand, the Thirdiest Third Person in a Love Triangle (where applicable)
Glinda: We’re only completing the last four categories today, and even so we have a lot to do here, Harp. I’ll introduce the cast and crews right away. Here we have 1997’s ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror,’ starring Sigourney Weaver, Sam Neill, David Conrad, and Monica Keena. It received mixed reviews and has an average IMDb rating of 6.1. Rated R.
Harpy: Unfortunately 2001’s ‘Snow White: the Fairest of Them All’ could not attend today’s tournament; their IMDb rating was a mere 5.7. This starred Miranda Richardson and Warwick Davis.
Glinda: A few others were also unable to make it. Thank goodness, or we’d be here all day! The missing Snow Whites are HBO’s ‘Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child’ and 2007’s ‘Sydney White.’ We regret to announce that 2012’s ‘Mirror, Mirror’ was also unable to attend.
Harpy: But it’s not all doom and gloom. Here come the dimensionally confused cast of 2011 ABC show ‘Once Upon A Time.’ The show takes Snow White and her gang as main characters in a modern world as a result of the Evil Queen cursing them all from their fantasy world. This stars Ginnifer Goodwin, Josh Dallas, Jennifer Morrison, and Lana Parilla. It has a bursting IMDb rating of 8.3. Season 2 premiers this fall.
Glinda: And I’m very excited for it, Harp! Ah, but here comes 2012’s ‘Snow White and the Huntsman,’ a slightly darker and grittier take on the tale. It stars Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, and Sam Claflin. IMDb rating of 6.5.
Harpy: It’ll be interesting to see how they do today. And last, but certainly not least, here comes 2012’s direct-to-video ‘Grimm’s Snow White!’ Wow, the crowd loves these guys, or at least Prince Alexander. Starring Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, and Jane March, it received a — is that right, Glinda? — a teensy tiny 3.0 IMDb rating!
Glinda: We’ll have to see how they hold up in the competition, Harp. And they’re starting off with our categories as we speak! Up first we have the Thirdiest Third Person in a Love Triangle, with entries from ‘Once Upon A Time,’ ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ and ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror.’
Harpy: Prince Charming’s modern counterpart, David Nolan, wakes up from a coma to find out that he’s married — and not Snow White counterpart Mary Margaret. The true loves struggle to be together around David’s wife Katherine, and for a while I was seriously doubting David’s love of Mary Margaret. What’s the score? A 9/10 for the David/M.M./Katherine love triangle. Ooh, that’s gonna be a hard one to beat, Glinda.
Glinda: And for our 1997 friends, Snow (called Lilli) finds herself betrothed to Peter, a dashing (though horribly wigged) man she’s admired for years. Now lost in the forest and living with rough miners (that are men, not dwarves), she finds solace and meaning in Will, who is mysteriously adorable. Unfortunately for Peter he finds himself out of the picture pretty quickly and we’re left to assume Lilli and Will are living happily every after. Aww, look, they’re holding hands!
Harpy: It’s a 7/10 for ‘A Tale of Terror’!
Glinda: In ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ Snow White is struggling between her handsome childhood friend William, who has come to rescue her, and the surly huntsman who changed his mind about killing her and decides to teach her how to use a sword. In the film, the Huntsman is the true love and wakes Snow from her spell, but we’re lead to believe William is the one who gets the girl — because Snow doesn’t know who woke her! Personally I’m pro-Prince in this case; Mr. Huntsman just moans about her looking like his dead wife, which is sweet, I guess. William is kind of a royal bad boy, and so handsome.
Harpy: Can we get a fan in here? Glinda’s looking a little swoon-ish.
Glinda: No, no, I’m fine. And what did they get? It’s an 8/10 for the Snow/William/Huntsman love triangle.
Harpy: And category one is over! ‘Once Upon A Time’ has the lead with 9 points, followed by ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ with 8 points, and ‘A Tale of Terror’ with 7. ‘Grimm’s’ did not compete in this category, and so will receive the same amount of points as last place: 7.
Glinda: Our next category is Strangest Strange Things, with entries from all four casts.
Harpy: OUAT should get a pretty high mark with their dual-dimension problem. It’s not everyday you see Charming buying his wife coffee at the local diner (especially if the wife isn’t Snow White!). We have a 10.5/12.
Glinda: ‘Tale of Terror’ wasn’t too strange, except for the fact that Lady Claudia (the evil queen) managed to bring a full on resurrection of her stillborn son. That was a bit freaky. Oh, and it’s a 9.5/12 for 1997!
Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ was pretty on course with traditional magic, with the homage to Disney’s love of animals through a sanctuary of sorts. Pretty, but it did not assist plot movement at all, and left the viewer wondering about it. The judges have given it a 7.5/12 for strangeness. Though that part with the director and Stewart was quite strange, I have to say…
Glinda: ‘Grimm’s,’ with its addition of elves, giant lizards, and dogs that looked half-werewolf half-vulture, should get at least a 9. Not to mention the fact that Snow was blonde (a brave act) and looked a bit like a clown in the make-up department. She didn’t need that much lipstick, guys! Oh, they’ve been given a 9/12.
Harpy: OUAT is still in the early lead with 19.5 points, followed by ‘A Tale of Terror’ with 16.5, ‘Grimm’s’ with 16, and ‘The Huntsman’ with 15.5.
Glinda: Two more categories to go, folks, and then we’ll leave you. Remember that we’ll be back tomorrow for the rest of the categories and the unveiling of the overall best Snow White movie or TV series. Don’t miss it!
Harpy: Our next category is adherence to original story. Now, Glinda, this one is difficult to pin down, because there is more than one original Snow White story. The most popular, and the one the judges will likely go with, is the one collected by the Grimm brothers in 1812.
Glinda: Harp, if OUAT does not get full points for this, I will be thoroughly shocked. They didn’t do what the films did. Films often strive for difference from the original story, whereas these guys stuck.to.it.like.glue.
Harpy: Glinda, are you forgetting about Snow’s bravery? She rescues her Prince Charming, takes the apple knowing it will kill her — but does so to save her true love, and is pretty handy in a fight.
Glinda: You’re right, Harp. But they should get nearly full points. Ah, and it’s a 14/15 for OUAT in Adherence to Original Story!
Harpy: ‘Tale of Terror’ is a hard one. The dwarves were replaced with outlaws/criminals who spend their days digging for gold (not diamonds), yet Snow retains that innocent youthful quality as in the original story. It’s a tough call. They also keep the tradition of the apple flying out of her mouth as opposed to the prince waking her up with a kiss. And they get a 13/15!
Glinda: ‘The Huntsman’…I dunno, Harp. I’m torn with this one. Let’s see what the judges think.
Harpy: I don’t believe it, Glinda! They’ve been awarded 13/15 points! How is that possible?
Glinda: I guess they appreciated the homage to Disney — you know, the trees having faces and hands, and the connection with the birds and animals. But I agree with you, Harp; the Queen sucked the beauty out of virgins to maintain her own, something the traditional story never had.
Harpy: Moving on. ‘Grimm’s’ should get a fairly moderate mark on this one. The addition of elves and giant lizards should knock off a few points. It’s a 10.5/15 for ‘Grimm’s’!
Glinda: And now we’re on the last category of the day, Harp. Most Magical Mirror. I’m quite excited about this one, just because the variety of mirrors in these films/TV series are so different.
Harpy: First up is OUAT. The mirror is actually a genie who used his own wish to be with the Queen forever. This landed him the awful job of pep-talking and spying for her — from a mirror. Needless to say he regrets it. It’s a 14/15 for OUAT. They must have gotten extra points for originality, yet staying traditional.
Glinda: Now, the ‘Tale of Terror’ mirror is my favourite out of today’s contenders. Instead of a male counterpart or vague shadowy face/figure, Lady Claudia’s mirror acts as almost a separate personality of the same person. Sort of like Smeagol and Gollum. Claudia is completely enraptured by her image, which controls her, drives her mad, and ultimately destroys her. I love it! And they get full points for originality!
Harpy: ‘The Huntsman’ mirror was interesting. A molten gold-cloaked figure slithered completely out of the mirror to stand before Queen Ravenna. A little inconvenient time-wise, but neat nonetheless. Ah, and they get 13.5/15.
Glinda: I’m sad to say that I hated the mirror in ‘Grimm’s.’ It was a prime example of awful animation, though they tried recreating the mirror from Disney’s 1937 version. Personally I preferred the Disney version of this one. And they get a measley 7/15.
Harpy: The current placings stand at ‘Once Upon A Time’ with 47.5 points, ‘Snow White: A Tale of Terror’ with 44.5, ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ with 42 points, and ‘Grimm’s Snow White’ is trailing the pack with only 33.5 points.
Glinda: They have a chance to catch up, though, Harp. Tomorrow they compete for Overall Quality, Most Evil Stepmother, Most Charming Prince Charming, and Best Snow White (with points going towards bad-assery and kindness). And that’s all for today, folks. Come back tomorrow for the unveiling of the best overall Snow White film/TV series! I’m Glinda Silver-McIntosh.
Harpy: And I’m Harpy Short. And on behalf of Fairy Tale Studios, good night, and be careful whose apples you eat.
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